Current tunes: Tim Stop, The Way You Make Me Feel (acoustic cover of MJ’s classic hit)
Twenty-fifteen. It’s here people, the year I turn twenty-five. To be honest I really despise the time period after all the holiday festivities to the start of Spring. It’s cold. It’s dreary. It’s carrying around extra weight from that holiday poundage you couldn’t escape. (And believe me, although it’s keeping me warm, I need some extra gym time to shed what I like to call my winter coat that was created by all those Christmas cookies.) I think I even get a smidge of seasonal depression just waiting until I can get my tan on again.
But it’s also a time for new beginnings. While many despise New Year’s Resolutions, I’ve always been goal oriented and feel best when I am working towards something. I mean I know people often yap about the lack of commitment that come with NYRs so it’s easier to stop kidding ourselves and to just not. Today I reread a journal entry from exactly one year ago. This entry comprised a list of all my goals for 2014 and if you know me well, you know I love love lists. Of course it was a bit extensive…it was a list of ten, yes TEN, resolutions. As I was rereading this list I kept thinking, “Gosh I’m kind of a psycho, I mean ten things? Who did I think I was? Frickin’ Hermione with her time turner?” (And if you are unfamiliar with this nerdy reference, I unashamedly suggest your resolution for 2015 be to read the Harry Potter series. STAT.) Anywho, some were serious, some practical, and others just silly. Like #4: JUMP OFF TALL THINGS. Check. Thank you Vietnam Canyoning Excursion. Or #6: TALK TO MORE STRANGERS. Hmm definitely did that…there was that pilot that I shared an afternoon drink with at the Sydney Opera House on a 30 hour layover, that group of Irish gentleman that I rocked out to the Beatles with in a London dive bar (Joe’s Bar I think it was?), and that German girl I spent an afternoon being an extra with on the set of an Asian romance film in Vietnam. Check. Definitely hung with some random homies last year. But this year I have decided to ixnay tangible and measurable goals altogether and shoot for reframing my perspective on my current stage of life.
I’m going to preface this all by saying I did hesitate in posting this…it’s hard to be vulnerable and I did fear that I will appear a bit desperate. The truth is I like my freedom. I like jetting off and pushing myself to explore. I like my independence. And although ultimately, I know that sharing my heart and life with someone is what I truly desire, I am in no hurry to rush into marriage or have kiddos, despite those who say the biological clock of a woman is always ticking. Let’s be real for a second, God is BIGGER than my uterus so really if I am meant to have them and my desire is still there, I think it will happen in some form or fashion. But I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t lonely or that there are not times where I am frustrated waiting. I’m not feeling desperate for a serious relationship but there are days where I feel tired of this solo life. It probably doesn’t help that I live in a city where it’s the norm to settle down in your early twenties but in general, I’m normally abnormal. I know people are trying to be helpful and hopeful, but if I hear the, “well you just never know what tomorrow brings” schpeel one more time, I just might scream.
…and they’re right, but the only thing scarier than not knowing the future, is knowing that it could be potentially the same.
So although it’s an atypical type of resolution, this year I resolve to believe that being physically alone does not mean I need to feel lonely. To choose to refuse the world’s idea of my life actually beginning when I get married, as if this is some sort of limbo or waiting room and is just a season to endure…because I am pretty sure my life began 24 years ago. To choose joy and contentment instead of self-pity. To choose to trust in His timing and to let Him set the pace. To choose to stop treating God like a vending machine with the idea that if I do enough and pray enough and put just the right amount of coins in, I should be given what I want. Because in actuality, He doesn’t owe me anything. But I will expect Him to fulfill his promises- promises of peace, comfort, guidance, protection, and hope for a future.
Lord, thank you for who I am and who you are, that I am small and you are big, and that you understand me better than I do. You know my heart. You know my need for control. You know my hunger for companionship. You know I ache for deep love. So this year, teach me that being alone for now is an integral part of your will, causing me to depend more fully on you. Teach me to actively choose joy and find all my fulfillment in knowing you more. That way, regardless of my environment (including my company) I can live at ease knowing it’s impossible to be truly alone in your presence.
To anyone else that may feel they are where I am at:
1) Let’s meet up for some java. I like to chat more than breathe.
2) It’s okay to grieve or be frustrated, but do not pity yourself. Singleness does not equal being undesirable.
3) Live enthusiastically. Like it or not, our days are numbered. Tomorrow is always a gift. (And I plan to continue filling my passport this year…2015 travel destinations are in the works!) And remember:
Cheers and keep on wishin’,
PS I lied in my last post and ended up skipping all things Christmas. But my sisters and I made a couple hundred cookies and I tried a few new recipes over the last two months so I’ll post my Holiday Baking in Review later this week!